Sunday, November 27, 2005

This is what Im left with ... who is ganna help me pick up the peices

Yeah thats extremely true and the dudio at church today talked about wounds ... I have so many I didnt no where to start but I no my major two and he also said that we can hurt other ppl ( I no Ive done that alot lately too.) ok this brought one situation to my mind me and this guy... you see Ive been hurt alot mostly by males whether it be my fear of not being good enough due to my father or wether it be that I trust a boyfriend and he completely shattered my frail little heart but I refused to let this guy in .. I did not want to be hurt and he tried over and over to make me realized he cared but I completely wouldnt allow myself to be hurt and in doing so I hurt him and now he wont talk to me and we he sees me in the hall he looks away and now I think WHAT CAN I DO TO FIX THIS? and I ask God over and over what to do ( hes given me that answer but I dont like it) and today during the message at church I realized that I must go to the person and try to help mend it ... even though I no I cant alone make it better but I can try .... ughh
TEENAGE YEARS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST
y do mine suck
my friends have abandond me becuse Ive changed I still dont fit in with the youth I mean I say hi and talk to a few but I just dont click ... its like vineyard youth group is a puzzle and Im nota peice that fits ... its that simple .. I DONT BELONG and I think that realizing this helps alot
*SIGH*
<3
Your dearest
Sammy

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Arrrg Im a pirate


te he ... you can come to anybody in the y.g. we'll listen to you. well, most will listen to you.<< that was in one of my comments and u no its true I think that most of the people at vine yard would listen to my problems and care but not everyone .. I dont its just try as hard as I can I cant seem to fit in with everyone ... maybe Im defective ... or maybe people just dont like me but it still comes to the same question WHATS WRONG WITH ME???!?!?! I keep going over the same things : Im annoying and I no it Im immature , loud , copetley crazy at some times ... but I cant figure out why is it that I got along fine at my old youth group , I could talk to all of them no matter what and I new that they always cared I felt at home and no matter what happened that day youth group all ways made me feel so much better ( take no offense at this please I dont mean to offend anyone and I apologize if I do offend you) but at this youth group I dont feel that way I feel like I dont belong like Im an outsider looking on something that I want so badly to be a part of...thats makes me think Im asking the wrong question like maybe I should be asking WHY DONT I FIT IN ?? not whats wrong with me but I already no the answer ... Im shy , Im diffrent and I cant just jump into a youth group ... *sigh* .. oh well I guess I cant really force my self into change ... either you will all except me broken lost and simi abnormal or you wont ...
<3
your dearest
Sammy

Monday, November 21, 2005

Hurt feelings finally revealed


Hey Everyone .... lately hasnt been all that great Im failing like 2 classes , I think Im getting sick , my parentals units are being so uggh I just want to rip my hair out .. and my siblings ... well they are just being my siblings. Y IS IT THAT I FEEL LIKE I CANT EVEN HAVE FUN ANYMORE? Im 14 I should be the one goofing off not my parents I should be the one out after school not the one stuck at home having to cook dinner, do my laundry, clean my room and try to clean the rest of the house .... (Ok well I only have to do 3 of those the 4th one is what needs to be done and If I dont do it , it most likely wont get done.) but I have to do all this while my mom went on a trip to atchinson to give my sister her charger then they called and were like mom will be home in alittle while so u need to make dinner for dad...ridiculous this is all ridiculous. most the time I cant even think ... My head feels like a big scribble ..... Im forgetting simple things and failing at the complex ones .... My friends are all getting mad because Im no fun anymore , they all say Im bitter and angry yet at the time I need them most they leave me to hangout with "cooler" people .. I dont see why it matters so much I no it wont in ten years and I no that I could do much better than them for friends its just so hard to fit in to a world that completely rejects me and all I stand for.. ya know ..that isnt even all of it ... my list of problems could go on for ever I cant even find a bright side, Then at home ahh home ... pssh this is just a house .... My sister does drugs not matter what my parents say they no its true and my brother is an alcholic and my parents sacrifice for them .. my brother has moved back in numerous times free of charge and my sister has once and all of it was bad but it was worse when my sister moved in she stole things from me she came home drunk numerous times she broke things and never got in trouble I get a B on a test and my dad tells me I could do better I no hes trying to help but it isnt working and he doesnt understand... yes I love my parents and my siblings but i wish that my parents would realize they have 3 kids .... That when they give money to the older too and let them move in it effects the 3rd child I mean I have to keep a lock on my door ... yes a lock with a key so my sister wont steal my stuff... and that is ok? thatin my own house I cant even keep my room unlocked? but whatever its all little things that add up and slowly make one crack......and hurt ..... but I must go... Ill talk to everyone later ....
<3

Sunday, November 20, 2005

POKE ME


ok so lately thats the mood Ive been in ....URRRGGG and stuff ... soon I will return to youth group no promises of when ....
<3
your dearest
Sammy

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Prostitution, witchcraft and Friends

Hello today was an ok day one of those days that just kinda goes by.. umm I was flipping through my bible and opened it to Nahum 3: 1-5 "Woe to the city of blood,full of lies, full of plunder, never without victims! The crack of whips, the clatter of wheel, galloping horses, and jolting chariots! Charging Calvary, flashing swords, and glittering spears! many causualties, piles of dead, boadies without number, people stumbling overthe corpses-all beacuse of the wantonlust of a harlot alluring, the misstress of sorceries, who enslaved nations by her prosttitution and peoples by her whitchcraft. " I am against you" Declares the LORD Almighty " I will lift your skirts over your face and show the nations your nakedness and the kingdoms your shame." I dont quite understand it but what I think it means is that God is telling me that all those things will bring me is shame and sorrow and yes some of those things can be reflected in my friends and that he is against as should I be well I think that some may diagree so I would injoy everyones input and plz do leave input b.c then I will love you forever lol

Well I must dash

<3
Your Dearest
Sammy

Friday, November 11, 2005

Llamas , golf carts and other random things

Hey Everyone ...
Well this is my first little posty like thing .... so yeah .. I think thats all Im going to say ...
<3
Your Dearest Sammy